Notice board (Cunny of the Goose)

This notice board is located at Cunny of the Goose and gives access to the contract quest, Lord of the Wood.

Message To Our Dear Customers

 * Dear Customers,


 * War's governed by harsh laws. For almost two decades I've imported the finest Nilfgaardian wares to the North and sold them to you at fantastic prices, prices so low, and this I swear, sometimes I made no profit at all. Sadly, renewed conflict between our nations had made the continuation of this trade impossible. I won't be coming this year for the Belleteyn fair - so you shan't have any Angren lace, Nazairi velvet or that world-famous Ebbing lemon I know you all are so fond of. Forgive me, good people - and drink to my health.


 * –Declan Leuvaarden

Handyman At Your Service

 * Roof leaking? Doors won't shut? Table all wobbly? Whatever gets your goat around the house, for a modest fee I'll fix it up, and regale you with humorous anecdotes while I'm at it.


 * Hubrech Vaar, Handyman

Ode

 * To podgy Bertha's dandy suitors, To runty ore-hands from Mount Carbon, To Brugge's swarthy smiths and coopers, And Novigraders with dead hard-ons, To Treto's slimy pimps and boozers, With perfumed trains of painted tarts, To Cleavers clowns and red-nosed bruisers: Kiss my hairy arse, you losers.


 * To weak-eyed slaves of elven riddles, To Oxenfurt dons and tome perusers, Slurping seas of Ithlinne's drivel To fart down throats of other musers: Kiss my hairy arse, you losers.


 * And to those ploughing human racists, Sodden turds from Northern sewers, You runny squirts in Hunters' braces, Smearing witches with manures: Kiss my hairy arse, you losers.

Warning

 * Fair folk,


 * Stay away from Velen. Even if they promise you a heap of gold, even if the Wild Hunt itself's on your heels, even if your whole family's waiting there for you. South of the Pontar you'll find only hunger and death.


 * –A traveler

Butcher Seeks Apprentice

 * I'm looking for a man who's not afraid to get elbows-deep in blood and guts, with strong arms and a level head. Work's simple - we kill the animals, skin them and then cut them into smaller chunks. Pay's meager, but you get to take as much offal and blood pudding home as you like.


 * Lutto Sit

Contract: Devil in the Woods

 * Dear witcher, sir (if any be present hereabouts, that is)


 * I've a hunch - eh, what am I saying - I'm dead certain that the woods I was lucky enough to gain possession of - or at least, I felt lucky about that till recently - that these woods are home to a cruel evil, a devil of some kind. I hired a gang of dwarven loggers not long back to harvest lumber. Strapping lads, every last one having cut down many a mighty tree in his life. So you can imagine my surprise when said loggers disappeared, all save one, and he claimed to have seen a monster. I've marked out a bounty for freeing my stretch of woods from all foul creatures, and dearly hope that soon I will have the pleasure of giving it to someone.


 * Sincerely,


 * -Brean Hotsch

Dwarf Seeking Female Companionship

 * Listen ladies, I'm gonna be honest with ye. I'm short. The few teeth I still got are yellow, and the bit of hair I've left is shedding fast. I can't dance, ain't much good with words and the curse of riches don't afflict me. Atimes, I admit, I'll burp after a hearty supper. Yet note that they call me Thorin Steelpike, and, not to toot me own horn, but the name fits me and me capacities perfectly. Any ladies interested can send their visiting card. I'll show up posthaste, perfumed and with a box of Novigrad's finest chocolates in hand.

Saddle Cream

 * Travel much? Spend weeks at a time in the saddle? Arse as red as a beetroot? Then ask your local innkeep for Polk's saddle cream! Concocted using tried and true recipes, never fails!


 * –Kevin Polk

Orchard Hands Wanted

 * Wanted: willing hands for orchard work. Mulching, watering, pruning, that sort of thing. Pay by the hour. –Olbracht


 * P.S. Dwarves and halflings need not apply, for even on a ladder they cannot reach the highest branches, and every other one of them's a drunk who whinges enough for tree full sized men.

Henke's A Cheat!
''Take heed and read carefully what I've got to tell you. The man Henke, known as "Flush," who likes to sit in this inn and invite travelers to join him at his table for games of chance, plays with weighted dice and marked cards, bets shaved coins and in general is a low-down, no-good cheat, scoundrel and son of a bitch. Consider yourselves warned!''

–A chastened victim

Dance Your Worries Away!
''Come to the "Cunny of the Goose" for an evening of dance! We'll have fiddlers and pipers playing waltzes, jigs, bops, boleros and Redanian struts! So be you blithe and bonny, and come enjoy some hey, nonny, nonny!''